I'm Too Young To Be This Old

I'm much older than the years I have spent on this earth. I stay in on the weekends because the stores are too crowded and I don't go to the movies because it's too loud. But I'm also physically old and falling apart.

Not only do I have a primary physician, but I also have an endocrinologist, a nephrologist, a gynecologist, a perinatologist, and now I have a cardiologist. As if I needed one more thing, now my doctor is concerned about my heart.

I've had high blood pressure for a long time and it's always been decently controlled with medication. BP normally goes up during pregnancy but mine got out of control while I was growing Megan. So much so that she actually stopped growing and we had to have her early. We (my doctor and I) thought that things would level out once I wasn't pregnant anymore but at m 6 week post postpartum visit my pressure was still too high and I was still swollen. I was also having intermittent episodes of tightness in my chest. I was referred to a cardiologist to make sure the stress of pregnancy didn't cause permanent damage.

I just had a stress echo yesterday which showed that structurally my heart is normal. There was a dropped beat on the EKG, but I'm not sure exactly what that means yet. My follow up is next week and we'll find out if that's an issue. For now, I'm fine. The doctor got my heart rate up to 179 during the echo and I was tired but still able to talk in full sentences.

"You're a natural athlete," he said.

Clearly he needs to retire.

Me, for just a little while.

After having Megan I am officially back to work as of last Monday. It's hard, but it's good.

For the sake of my own sanity I need to work. I love my job and I genuinely enjoy what I do and where I work. I am very blessed to be able to say that. But also, I need routine. Having a schedule and a plan makes me feel organized and efficient. It lowers my anxiety.

Working also makes me a better mom. That seems like an oxymoron but it's true. I do not have the patience or imagination to be a full time stay at home mom. Do I wish I were home more? Of course. I love my kids and I want to spend lots of quality time with them. I want to do all those crafts and make all those fun snacks that I have on my Pinterest boards.

But I need that time away from the house where I am not Mom for just a little while. At work I can exercise parts of my brain that don't get used while I'm playing with dinosaurs and monster trucks. I have adult conversations that don't involve spit up. I feel like the me I was before I had kids.

I'm not an awful person. I don't wish that I never had kids. They are absolutely the best thing that has ever happen to me and I love being a mom. I could go on and on about the rewards and benefits of being their mom and how much better my life is because of them. And it's true. But being a mom means making sacrifices to my personal life, my time alone, my breakfast, my wardrobe, and sometimes, yes, my hygiene. We sacrifice our whole selves.

We all do it and we do it out of love because the moment you become a mom your life isn't about you anymore. I just don't think that means I have to give up all of the person I was before I had kids. I honestly think that's where a lot of marriages fall apart. You transform from the people who married each other into parents without looking back. You forget about the little things that make you YOU because you're always MOM.

I give stay at home moms so much credit. It's hard and I will openly admit that I can't do it. And I still think it's important for SAHMs to get out...alone. Grab a coffee and wander around Target by yourself and be you, not Mom, for just a little while. Get some "me time." It's invaluable, refreshing, and it doesn't mean that you don't love your kids if you want to spend some time away from them.

In my case my "me time" is at work. I guess that doesn't sound very relaxing but it's that time away where I'm just me. When I come home after a long day I am a better mom to my kids because I haven't been yelling all day to pick up your toys. I haven't been going deaf listening to fire truck sirens and saving the dog from super hero stunts. I haven't been changing diapers and cleaning spit up off the couch. When I come home I am just glad to see my kids and hug them a little tighter than I did the day before.

Of course I'm exhausted, but the Mom in me is refreshed and ready to take on whatever the kids can throw at me. Which is good because it might be poop.

Accessorize!!!

I love accessories. Bracelets, shoes, scarves, purses. All of it.  I love accessories because they don't make you look fat. Even on my ugliest most water retaining PMS bloated day those earrings I got on clearance are still cute.

Most of all, shoes. But here's my problem. I rarely wear the shoes I buy because I never wear the outfit I bought them for. Or worse yet - I never BOUGHT the outfit I PICTURED myself having when I bought the shoes in the first place.

I adore those flats, and I want to be skinny enough to wear the jeans that go with them. That belt is amazing, but the sweater dress I would wear it with doesn't fit.
 

I'm not kidding when I tell you that I have shoes in my closet that I have owned for 5 years and never worn. They go with a very specific type of dress that I simply cannot pull off. But.I.Love.Those.Shoes.

So even though my accessories don't make me look fat, the outfits they go with do. And until it's socially acceptable to wear heeled boots that match your purse with an oversized hoodie and yoga pants, I will continue to buy things that collect dust.

Year In Review

Yesterday while updating files on my computer I found one titled "2013 Bucket List." See, I don't generally make new year's resolutions. I think it's because subconsciously I don't want to feel like a failure if I don't accomplish that one thing. Based on my track record the odds are good that I won't. But if I make a bucket list for the year then it's more like a small set of goals instead of one big thing that must come to pass or I will have effectively accomplished nothing because I quit trying in February.

I looked at my "bucket list" of things I wanted to do in 2013. I really wasn't able to check off much. In my defense, I did have a baby which threw a wrench in a lot of my plans. Ironically, number 14 on the list was "have a baby." I really didn't think this list through.

But when I read over the other things on the list it occurred to me that I wasn't bothered by the fact that they weren't completed. I don't think I genuinely wanted to do them in the first place. I mean, come on, run a half marathon?  ME!?! No. I don't want to do that. I have zero desire to run. At all. Ever. That's on the list because marathons are what people in their thirties are supposed to do.

And read three books? I don't really care about that either. I could spend time with my son while he still loves me or lock myself in a room with my nose in a book that will be late getting back to the library. Easy decision.

Other things on the list that didn't happen:

Get a puppy (because I had a baby)

Go on vacation (because I had a baby)

Christmas in Michigan (because I had a baby)

Lose 10 lbs (because I was pregnant, and had a baby)

etc. etc. etc.

So I was able to accomplish and check off one thing in 2013. And even though it meant putting almost everything else aside, it was the very best thing I could have done with my year. And all those other things.... they don't even matter.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Our first Christmas as a family of four was great. Caleb made out like a bandit. So.Many.HotWheels. Because he understands that I was busy with a newborn and didn't want to wrap anymore presents, Santa decided to open a lot of Caleb's gifts so they would be put together and ready for playing on Christmas morning. That kid had so much fun.

Brunch at my dad's is always delicious and this year was no exception. Egg and sausage casserole, Mike's secret recipe for scrambled eggs, home made potatoes O'Brien, fresh fruit, toast, coffee, and orange juice. And I ate it all with two hands while it was hot because aunties love to hold babies.

Everyone who said "lets not buy gifts for each other" showed up with a gift because we lie about it every year. We're family, we're allowed to lie to each other about stuff like that. But we know it's a lie so we show up prepared. Picture frames and Starbucks gift cards for everyone!

I hope Christmas brought you and your family joy and wonderful memories, too.

Time is flying by

Mom stuff. That's what's been happening over here. I'm still on maternity leave filling my days with laundry, washing bottles, getting puked on, and cleaning up poop. It's a life of luxury.

Megan had her one month check up a little delayed because of Thanksgiving. How dare my pediatrician go on vacation. At 6 weeks old she is finally the size of a newborn weighing in at 7lbs 0oz and 19in long.

In other news, we have decided that we are officially not resigning the lease on the house we are currently in. As of April 1, 2014 we will be homeless. I have no idea where we are going but I'm sick of this house and Brian is sick of renting. It's time to buy a house. That's a really scary thought for me right now. We've never stayed in one place very long, I'm really apprehensive about doing something so permanent. Not to mention if we go anywhere outside Southern California we have to find new jobs....April isn't that far away....

ID please?

Life has been busy. I mean Busy. I expected that having two children would be harder than having one. Of course, numbers and logic tell you that. But no one tells you how much harder. Let me be the one to tell you, its about a thousand percent harder. And then add the tip.

I love it, though. I wouldn't change it and I don't wish I didn't have another one. Brian, however is already talking about a third. I'm pretty sure I breathed fire and used The Force to choke him. Not that I don't want three kids, I don't know. But gees, give me some time to recover and forget how much I hate being pregnant. Once I start sleeping again is a better time to approach me about subjects that require conscious thought.

On a brighter note I was able to get out of the house the other day without either child. Ok, I dropped Caleb off at school, didn't have Megan, and went to the produce market. Still. NO KIDS. I bought wine.

The teenager at the checkout did not card me for the wine. Ok, so my hair wasn't done, I was carrying a diaper bag for a purse, I smelled like spit up and I only think that my shoes matched. But cut a girl some slack and card me anyway. When a woman looks like that and is buying wine she is either lonely, desperate, or both. Make her smile, ask for ID.