One Carrot, Please.

Why do I feel bad when I eat? Not physically bad like I’m going to be sick. Mentally, I feel bad that I’ve just consumed any amount of calories.

I count every single calorie that crosses my teeth and track it all in a food journal. I read every single nutrition label before I purchase anything at the supermarket. I weigh and measure all my food before I eat it and count the number of slices of turkey on my sandwich without condiments. I consume about the same amount of calories in an entire day that most people eat by 11am.

Still, every time I eat I feel like I’ve done something wrong. Fat girl is eating again? What’s that, yogurt? You know how many carbs are in that? A granola bar? Are you kidding, that’s full of sugar. I don’t even drink real milk, not even skim.

I hate grocery shopping. Why should I spend money on food when I don’t enjoy eating it? I’m an educated medical professional and I fully understand how to balance my nutritional needs. I know that not eating enough calories will actually do more harm than good. I’m aware of the need for a healthy combination of diet and exercise in order to build lean muscle and burn fat and calories.

My scale does not understand.
My pants do not understand.
My self worth does not understand.

My calorie intake runs my life. It’s no way to live and it makes me unhappy. But I’m unhappy about being this size too. What’s a fat girl to do…