Butterflies Were Not On The List

Do you ever feel like you have so much to do and nothing ever gets done? I've been feeling that way for a few weeks. I have a MILLION (it's a million, I counted) things to do, errands to run, items to pick up, and appointments to make (and keep ).

I have a hard time keeping things organized in my head and if I don't write things down I will inevitably forget at least one thing. Probably more like three things, but I'll never get it all. A simple trip to Target for a few items absolutely requires a list or it will require a return trip. Ain't nobody got time for that!

I think we all know how much I love lists. My lists have lists. I love being organized and in control and planning so lists are like little love notes to myself. Just sitting down to write a list makes me feel productive. And when I cross something off? It's such a great feeling of accomplishment that it makes me want to do MORE so I can keep crossing things off. Sometimes I put things on my list that I've already done just so I can cross them off. This is how meth addicts start, isn't it?

The problem I'm having now is that I keep adding things and I'm not crossing anything off. It's painful because I'm so busy doing a billion things (it's a billion, I counted) and it's all just extra stuff. I take a break at the end of a very productive get-er-done kind of day and look at my list to see what I can cross off. I need that high. Nothing. Not one thing. How is this possible?!

It's defeating.

I finally got around to scheduling the dog groomer for tomorrow morning. I planned on staying in the area and getting things done while I waited. I vowed to make it a cross-things-off kind of morning. Good. Good plan.

But Caleb has been asking to go see the butterflies at the Wild Animal Park. It's my day off and I just can't say no to that adorable face when he leans into me with his whole body, presses his chin against my belly and looks up at me and says "Pweeeeeaase Mommy?"

So the dog appointment gets canceled, the produce market will have to wait, and the other gazillion things (it's a gazillion, I counted) will just have to find another time to get done. I'm spending the day with my family and some butterflies.

In A Perfect World

I have a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. On the one hand, I love that I can keep myself more organized. I used to print every recipe I wanted to try (which only cluttered my recipe book with papers). I used to keep a draft email to myself with links to random web sites that I wanted to go back to later. Ok, I still do this but mostly because I can't "pin" things while I'm at work.

I've got a board for recipes, one for snack recipes, one for holiday recipes, one for desserts. I've got ideas for decorating the house, holiday decorations, and Caleb's room. It's more organized than a lot of other areas of my life. And it's easy.

Here's the thing. I don't actually DO any of those things. I tried a few appetizer ideas for Caleb's birthday party last year and that's it. I've never done any of the fun crafty ideas that I've pinned under "Fun For The Kids." I've never repurposed an old dresser to make a kitchen island. And I never will.

When I'm bored (yeah, like I don't ever actually have something else I need to be doing) I sometimes browse through my pins and think "hey, that'd be a fun project today!" but I inevitably don't have any of the supplies to create it or ingredients to bake it. And I'm too lazy to go out and get them and too scatterbrained to plan ahead.

So Pinterest is like my online fantasy world of all the things I would do and make and be and have if I were a perfect mom and had all the time and money in the world. You look at my boards and that's not really me, that's what I WANT to be.

Want to follow my failures? There are some good ones!

Erin go Bragh!! I guess?

It's St. Patrick's Day! I don't really know why this excites me, it shouldn't. I'm not Irish and I'm not a big drinker. I don't take pride in history behind the day nor do I make it an excuse to start drinking green beer at 9am.

I do, however, take advantage of any opportunity to make some kind of food, dessert, craft, or traditional event that will celebrate any occasion and make for fun memories and traditions.

On valentines day I made pancakes for breakfast and cut little hearts out of the middle, and we snacked on strawberries with the tops carved out so they looked like hearts. I'm always looking for something new to bake and take to work. It's no secret that I want to be Martha Stewart. Plus it's really fun to get Caleb involved and start making family traditions.

So this year, for the first time ever, I'm making corned beef and cabbage for St. Patrick's Day. I've never done it before and I don't even know if I like corned beef, but it's the most traditional Irish feast (so say Americans, they don't even eat this today in Ireland) so we're going to try it. I even got some Irish soda bread to go with it. No Guinness as no one in my family is a big fan of it.

Maybe next year we'll make a leprechaun trap. With lots of glitter. Leprechauns love glitter.

Give Me My Personality Back

You guys? I'm in a funk. I don't know what it is. I finally got my hair done and I feel great about that. My in-laws are coming in two weeks and I'm excited to see them and visit with them. I'm going out to lunch and shopping with a friend tomorrow. It's not like I've got nothing to look forward to or be happy about.

So why I do I feel so sluggish and down and irritable? I've had a sore throat (still) and that makes me what to do nothing but lay on the couch. I'm fatigued, more than usual. I'm stressing out more than usual about housework. I'm not drinking enough water because I'm drinking so much coffee which isn't helping my cramps.

Oh. Cramps.

I hate you PMS

Me Time!

I've been trying to get my hair cut for a long long time. There's just no time for me right now and going to the salon is way down on the list of things to do. It's on the "want" list, not the "need" list. Although, depending on who you talk to it was on the verge of social indecency. But when you're a mom and a wife and working more than full time you put yourself last because everything else is more important.

Fast forward to Saturday night.

I was feeling bad. Really bad. My throat hurt so much that the pain literally woke me up and I couldn't sleep all night. But I went to work Sunday anyway. I struggled through my shift and left early as soon as my coworker got there. I got worse as the night went on and I called my boss to tell him I wasn't going to make it today.

So I had tea and soup and went to bed early. And slept in late. Still had a little bit of a sore throat but overall the sleep did wonders. So Brian says "You should go get your hair done, and get some Starbucks. You deserve it." I love that man.

I go to Paul Mitchel The School so it's easy to get a same day appointment. I got my hair highlighted, toned, and cut. My "future professional" even brought be coffee while the color set. It was the best 4 hours of me time I could have asked for. And the hair? It's awesome. So overdue and she did a really good job. I feel brand new. It's amazing what a little time for yourself can do.

Sorry For Your Loss?

Life is too short. People say that all the time. I'm not sure how many people actually do something different after they come to that cliche realization, though.

This past week a kid that my nephews knew and went to school with got hit by a car. He was taken to the hospital in critical condition but sadly passed away the next day. He was way too young.

Recently someone close to my family was diagnosed with cancer and given a grim prognosis. He is also too young.

I deal with dying people almost every day at work. I see a patient in the ICU on Monday and my trip there on Tuesday reveals an empty bed. I have found cancers in people who didn't know they were sick. I have scanned babies without heartbeats. I have a considerable amount of compassion and gentleness when dealing with these patients. It's my job.

Somehow, though, when it's someone I actually know or family or someone close to me dealing with the reality of death I never know what to say. I don't know how to act and react. I believe in not giving people false hope but I'm not insensitive either. What do you say? What do you do when you're far away and you can't hug them and cry with them? A Hallmark card just isn't going to cut it.

It's Getting Lonely In CA

Yesterday I spent the better portion of a beautiful day shopping at an outdoor mall with my best friend. With the exception of a few impulse buys it was a great afternoon. Oh, and then there's the sucky part about it being the last time I'm going to see her for... who knows. In 5 days she's got a one way ticket to Washington, DC to start a new career and new adventures.

I'm happy for her. This is good. It will be good. And weird to have her, literally, on the other side of the country. I know we won't be here forever, either. So at some point even if she stayed in California we would be the ones moving away. It's just a little surreal knowing that in a few days I she won't be a car ride up the coast away. No worries. She'll only be a plane trip over the mountains, the dessert, the plains, and more mountains. No big deal.

Quit Asking

Why do people feel the need to meddle? My husband and I dated for a long time before we got married. A long time. We started dating when we were 15 and were on-again-off-again until our second year of college. Then we were together 4 years before getting engaged. All we heard from everyone was "When are you guys getting married?" "He didn't get you a ring yet?" "It's about time isn't it?" "What's the hold up?"

It didn't stop after we got married. It just morphed into "When are you going to have a baby?" "You're not pregnant yet?" "Don't you guys want kids?"

And it didn't stop when we had our son. It, again, just morphed into "Don't you want more?" "When are you going to have another one?" "Time for number 2!" "I thought you would have more kids by now."

The thing is, it's our life and our decision. We got married when it was right for us and we had a baby when it was right for us. And yes, we want more children. More than you know. But you can't just click your heels together and have another baby. There are a lot of things to consider and a lot of factors involved.

Maybe I'm a little sore because I found out this morning that two of the other moms at Caleb's school are pregnant. And about a million of my other friends are having or just had babies. It's hard to be happy for them but I just smiled and said congratulations and then tried to thwart off the battery of questions I got about the state of my own uterus.

*sigh*