First Order of Business: Comments are now open to all. I was unaware that the default setting only allows blogger account holders to comment. My apologies if you tried unsuccessfully. I changed the settings so now anyone may leave me love notes.
Onward and forward to New Business: Just because I have a baby doesn't mean I'm breastfeeding.
When I was pregnant complete strangers would always ask me two questions: When are you due? What are you having? I didn't mind, I was excited. Now that I tote the cutest little accessory around people still ask me two questions: How old? Are you breastfeeding? I mind.
I'm sorry but asking a woman about her breasts and if she is using them to sustain life is a pretty personal thing to ask a total stranger in line at Panera. But really, I think that I hate when they ask because I hate saying no. Then I get “the look.” You know, that one that says 'I can't believe you'd deny your child of the most important nutrients and probiotics for a healthy immune system and start to life that you could possibly give him you're the worst mother in the world and a horrible selfish woman.' That look.
Now this whole thing with Gisele Bundchen saying that breastfeeding should be international law has sparked so much controversy. I nearly started crying when the news was on this morning and had to change the channel. I want to breastfeed, I do. I am fully aware of how important it is and all the benefits that come from it for baby and mother. I took a breastfeeding class, I had three different lactation consultants counsel me and coach Mister before we left the hospital and all systems were go.
At his first visit with the pediatrician he had lost more than 10% of his body weight and was dehydrated. I fed him and they weighed him again and he hadn't gained a single ounce which meant he was getting nothing. Absolutely nothing. This was devastating to me as a new mom. I was starving my baby. What kind of person starves their baby? What kind of mother doesn’t know that their baby isn't getting enough food? I cried and cried and sunk into a depression.
I was producing plenty of milk so the doctor said to breastfeed and then always offer a bottle of formula to supplement. He got used to the bottle and wouldn't latch on anymore so I started pumping and we just gave him bottles of breast milk. The Captain loved this because he could feed him too. This worked for a while until I just couldn't keep up with Mister. He was still taking formula after every feeding and eating every two hours. Every third feeding was just formula, then every other. I pumped and pumped and got less and less and Mister was eating more and more. By the time he was 4 weeks old I was completely dry and he was on 100% formula.
As much as I want to say that I'm ok knowing I tried and did the best I could and at least he got breast milk for 4 weeks, I'm not ok. I had an extremely hard time knowing that I couldn't provide for him and give him what he really needed to thrive. It kills me and makes me feel like a failure. The one semester I spent as a college freshman psychology major taught me that this anxiety is linked to more primitive times when the woman's roll in life was to procreate and take care of her children. It's what we were perfectly designed for. I couldn't take care of mine and therefore I have somehow failed not only him but the entire colony because without breast milk he won't grow up to be a warrior, er something.
It sounds ridiculous but I'm very sensitive about it and I hate telling people that I'm not breastfeeding. I hate the look, I hate the judgment, I hate that I'm having a harder time losing the weight (ok that one is selfish), and I hate that I couldn't do my job as his mother.
He's doing absolutely fine. He's gaining weight like it's cool and growing like a weed. He's developing at an accelerated rate and is loved more than any baby in the whole world. I will give him everything I possibly can, everything that I am capable of I will do for this little miracle. So don't judge me or my ability as a mother because I can't breastfeed. It's not easy to do and it's not easy to deal without doing.
Beyond the emotional trauma we both went through, what really sucks is that he's not being breastfed and my boobs are still saggy and ruined.
I saw the Gisele controversy last night, too. There are SO many moms out there that are giving her hell-- both Moms that do AND don't breastfeed.
ReplyDeleteFormula isn't what it used to be. It is held to the highest purity standard, enriched with more goodies than a perfect food pyramid could provide, and better yet it's available and affordable.
Do you think you would feel better if you had never decided to breast feed at all? My boss is that way. 'Not doing it, not even considering it, don't even ask me about it' type person. I'm actually proud of her for her stance on the issue. To be so bold and demanding. Regardless if people agree or not, judge or not, that is what she has decided is best for her, her baby and her family.
You absolutely shouldn't feel like a failure. That little boy needs you, boobs or not.
Hang in there. I'm sure the emotional rollercoaster isn't over for you yet-- as I'm just now putting on my wristbands and joining you for the ride. *Hugs* Only a few more weeks and the little dude will be eating cereal and pureed peas and no one (ok less people) will ask about the milk.
I know you are a nicer person than me, but consider entering their personal privacy right back. i.e. Are you seeing a dermatologist for that weird thing on your neck? Should you REALLY be eating that? Or if they are going to judge you, let them REALLY judge you. i.e. Are you breastfeeding? "No, it didn't really work out with my manicure schedule/soaps/sex life, etc.
Do not let the "Boob Nazis" get to you. You are an excellent mom, and just because Mister isn't breastfed does not mean that you aren't.
ReplyDeleteI agonized over not breastfeeding Bug and was afraid of what would happen after Pup was born. This article really helped me just go "You know what? My boobs, my child, my decision."
http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/is-it-ok-to-stop-breastfeeding
Big hugs, sweetie!
Those boobs of yours did the best darn job that they could. I, as well, tried and tried and my milk dried by 7 weeks. I did everything that I could and felt wounded for a long time after it didn't work. I cried and had guilt and beat myself up. It still makes me tear up a bit. There is not a person in the world who could fault me for my milk drying up, there are however, many people who can make me feel bad for it. I understand how you feel. Perfectly understood. Those people who give you that look need to get some manners. What would ever make someone think that your boobs are their business?? I'm sorry that you have to deal with the same level of stupid that I did. I can reassure you that, soon enough, people will stop asking about it. You did your best. God knows that. The hubbs knows that. Your baby will one day (probably when they become a parent) know that you did your best from day one. You are beautiful inside and out and are the best mom. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. Especially yourself.
ReplyDelete